Deep with in the rattlings of my bones I know that I need push the pause button.
What does that mean:
Seeing as I have never intentionally pushed the pause button on life, it is not generally something that our society subscribes to, definitely not something that my typical 'make shit happen' self is used to, and it is certainly not something that everyone has the privilege to do, I seem to be making it up as I go.
For the record, I thought I was talking about the kind of pause where I leave my job and I travel around the US for a couple of months with my dogs, living in different places along the way in order to check things out. I own a home, I can house swap. I was making a plan. It was sexy. It would be like the "Two Month Europe Tour Post College", which I did.
This is not what was in store for me: there is to be no 'in order to' right now.
Only 'in order with'.
The first step to pausing as I said above, and when I made this decision I was unaware that I was being called towards 'in order with', was to let go of a job that I had been at for the past six years. Over the past couple of years I began to feel shackled to my desk, shackled to the whims of an entitled population, and shackled to a hypocritical hierarchy. I was living largely out of alignment with my beliefs by staying in a system of fear and a system invested primarily in the pursuit of answers (in order to). I no longer felt like I was able to share a wide enough net of what I knew and what I know. My body heart and soul started to get very clear with me - I was abandoning myself.
The next thing I started to recognized, and the space in which I currently find myself residing, is that it is time to find my own rhythmic authenticity amidst a life that greeted me with a primal need to abandon my own rhythm for survival. In such, the only rhythm I really understood was a jacked up, fast pace version of myself. In fact, I believe I have poses as a quick paced extrovert for most of my life. I've also always had a certain zest for life in me that manifests itself in a variety of ways - the way I choose to dress myself, decorate my body, speak and laugh, entertain myself and others, dance with my dogs...the list goes on from there. My authenticity is wildly colorful and very grounded. Abandoning my authenticity has always been particularly painful for my colorful self. Abandoning my rhythmic self, well, I honestly didn't know any better.
This brings me to today:
While having breakfast with one of my dearest's, we begin to talk about 'new age' language, how much of a total turn off it is, and how we often see a large amount of bypassing via the use of this language. My girlfriend is authentic in her ability to be smooshy and mushy in showing her love to everyone and we were speaking about the curiosity that exists in being mis-identified as a 'new-ager' as opposed to oneself, or in her case, as opposed to a lover of people in whatever form it comes forth.
The juxtaposition, and at times the road to abandoning oneself in and of itself can be just that. How many times have we all thought to ourselves, am I doing this right/what will everyone think of me/will they like me/what am I supposed to do in this situation/what should I say etc.
This conversation led me to consider another more basic question based on survival:
What do we do or say to stay safe (I'm talking about the feelings that trigger our basic needs for safety - to be fed, to be clothed, to have shelter; essentially, not to die).
As young ones or old ones, if we were around trauma, lack of safety, ridicule, disfunction, hardship etc (which most of us were on some level or another), we very well learned to stay safe by abandoning some part of ourselves. Whether it was or is our way of being, way of speaking, way of listening, way of moving. On top of that, every magazine we picked up or newspaper we opened or channel we flipped to or store we walked into thereafter was filled with more tokens of possible confusion. More ways to fit in. More ways to self abandon.
Here's where I'm going with all of this:
When we are authentic it can look like anything and everything. That can be scary. It is not formulated around control or what anyone else says or does. It is formulated around heart, desire, expression, an innate and cosmic 'in order with'. I believe that to be in sync with the natural order of something much bigger than ourselves and authentically with in ourselves is one the same. I am currently in the pursuit of my rhythm. Perhaps for you it is your purpose, your style, your voice... or, or, or...
The beautiful thing is, is that authenticity is limitless. Isn't that cool. I would offer that in order to live and function in this world we probably want to employ the ability to discern. We have to be able to see ourselves as an individual as well as a member of a community or relationship, we need to be able to weigh things out in order to make decisions. We have to get serious about syncing our minds to our hearts. In the sentiments of Douglas Brooks, when we have clear boundaries, we have no limits.
It's all a razors edge, of course. Of course.
Circling back around to my conversation this morning. Throughout the pursuit of authenticity vs abandonment, there may be times when we are accused of sounding like or going along with the grain because in that particular situation, we are. AND, there may be times when we are accused of sounding like or going against the grain because in that particular situation, we are. It's not an either or. When we are authentic, we act and speak from a place where we are 'in order with' , and this can appear in a myriad of ways. This is not necessarily what has been rolled out in front of us. And sometimes it is just that.
This is, simply stated, whatever feels real to us:
Notice I don't say what feels good. I believe that a natural authentic order is much more elemental than that. It involves a full spectrum and is not emotionally based. It can be felt. Period.
I have to admit, I don't declare to have a lot of answers. I do declare to have gathered a lot of knowledge in this life thus far though. Personally, I have tried to excavate my my own authenticity through ways that have felt genuine to my own growth - namely: education, adventure, movement, travel, culture and love - all from a relational standpoint. I.e., I prefer to be learning and growing with you and along side you as opposed to with out you. I've come to recognize that transformational growth is my gig. Kali-esque in the post modern world. That said, I've always been committed to sharing what I know.
There's a verse in a song called "Stubborn Love" by The Lumineers that goes: It's better to feel pain, than nothing it all. The opposite of love's indifference. So pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out. And I won't leave until you come downstairs.
If you can take these verses in the metaphorical and bigger picture sense, it makes a lot of sense. Don't attach it to a person, that will really mess you up. I read it as the person is standing on the porch screaming out for something (love) and won't leave until it comes. It likely has nothing to do with stubborn love or a particular person's porch.
So, my palms are in the air, my feet are on the ground, and my heart is open to what is coming in. I am screaming and not leaving until you come downstairs. And, I'm talking to you, my authentic and rhythmic in order with.
I am pausing for the sake of authenticity. For the sake of rhythm. For the sake of not self abandoning. For the sake of feeling. For the sake of knowing. For the sake of what is real. For the sake of transformation. For the sake of growth. For the sake of those that cannot. For the sake of sharing.
And for the sake of IN ORDER WITH!